Thursday, May 20, 2010

What Not To Do

Eileen Wiedbrauk posted a great e-mail exchange from a potential (uhm, well, not really) intern that she read on The Gawker.

Go read it right now....

Are you reading it?

Okay, how hard are you laughing?

This e-mail exchange is classic. I mean, seriously? That's what you write when you're trying to find an internship? Something tells me this person is still looking!

The letter got me thinking and inspired me to write a query letter in a similar fashion. What do you think? Will this query letter land me an agent!?

Dear Agent,

I’m just following up on the query and sample pages I sent u yesterday for my book called VAMPIRE TO HUMAN. Remember? I know you can’t forget it, cuz it was THE BEST IDEA EVER!!!! It was the one about two vampires who fall in love, but then one becomes a human. I know, right! Pretty cool, huh? I think it would be neat if vampires become human cuz I don’t want to copy “Twilight,” and who has ever written about a vampire BECOMING HUMAN AGAIN!?! OMG…I was so excited when I thought of that idea!!!!! It’s going to be huge!

Anyways, I haven’t heard from you yet. I know you’re probably busy, so I understand that maybe you couldn’t get back to me last night (which is fine, cuz I was watching “One Tree Hill,” “Gossip Girl,” “The Hills” and “The City” so I didn’t check my e-mail before I went to bed), but it’s now been almost twenty-four hours and still no response. Twenty-four freaking hours!
Maybe you’re taking so much time to get back to me cuz you’re showing my book to the rest of the agents at your agency. But you don’t need to worry about that, cuz I queried all the other agents at your agency too.

I also attached the entire book to the e-mail yesterday, but you don’t need to thank me for doing that. I know u only asked for ten sample pages, but now you won’t have to wait to read the rest of it. The thing is, I know you’ll really like it cuz my mom and dad said that my book was great. I even had my sister read it, and she said she’d totally buy it at the book store. That’s huge, cuz usually my sister just spends her money on nail polish and bubble gum.

So do you think you can reply to my query?

Oh, wait, wait, wait! I only live about an hour away. I bet I can talk my friend into riding into the city with me! Will you be around at five today? I get out of school at three, so I can’t meet you before that. Okay, I’ll see you then!

Rachele Alpine
(but I want my pen name to be Gatsby Caulfield…it sounds really literary, right!?)


Kristan said...

"That’s huge, cuz usually my sister just spends her money on nail polish and bubble gum."


Dude, that intern email was PRICELESS. Somebody needs a HUGE reality check. It's one thing to be confident and bold; it's another to be straight-up rude.

The Alliterative Allomorph said...

hahaha, you're a classic! :)

Creepy Query Girl said...

LOL- This would be a perfect candidate for my query spoof contest!

Lisa Nowak said...

You crack me up, Rachele!

Shannon O'Donnell said...

LMAO!! That was brilliant! :-)

Eileen Wiedbrauk said...

What, no mention that you're going to be bigger than J K Rowling? No harassing phone calls to the poor office secretary who doesn't get to read your manuscript anyway?


Emilia Plater said...

LOL. You're awesome, Rachele. You would make an amazing crazy person!! If you ever wanted to go down that route. :D

Anonymous said...

Wow @ that Intern email exchange. Whoa. Just...there are no words.

And your fake query letter was hilarious! I love writing/reading fake queries

Anonymous said...

That was awesome. It totally had me laughing. :D